


Hard to End

by Qpenguin98



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Late Night Conversations, Oh you know, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts, just hurting the boy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-25
Updated: 2018-03-25
Packaged: 2019-04-07 19:20:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14087886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Qpenguin98/pseuds/Qpenguin98
Summary: Sure, they’d had that real in depth talk a few months ago, but nothing had really come from it. Angus had gone back to being his good boy detective self and Taako maybe kept a little bit of a closer eye on him now, but nothing big. Nothing serious.Nothing scary.





	Hard to End

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, so, this is based off the conversation Angus and Taako have in another fic of mine, and while it's not necessary to read, it will provide some inside to what they talked about and have some background for this whole situation.  
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/13916016

Angus has been cagey lately. While he’s not an open book, Taako can usually tell what he’s thinking in that big head of his. He hasn’t gotten the chance to talk to him about it yet, still thinking over ways to bring it up nonchalantly. He thinks being too direct might spook him, and Taako’s not all that stoked to jump right into emotions territory. That’s not his whole jam. Sure, they’d had that real in depth talk a few months ago, but nothing had really come from it. Angus had gone back to being his good boy detective self and Taako maybe kept a little bit of a closer eye on him now, but nothing big. Nothing serious.

Nothing scary.

He’d turned thirteen about a month and a half ago, and his birthday had been a widely celebrated event. He hadn’t seemed all that into it. And yeah, Taako thinks to himself, maybe Angus wasn’t the biggest fan of large parties and crowds, but it hadn’t been that big of a party and it was all people he knew and trusted, so him seeming a little lack luster was at least a little bit cause for alarm.

Magnus had noticed too, and the two of them had talked about it off to the side, Magnus expressing open concern about their flesh boy detective and Taako making one off comments that only counted as concern if you knew him well enough.

He hasn’t brought it up with Kravitz, though he knows he’s been keeping an extra eye out for Angus on his death watch. Which he shouldn’t have to do. It’s all sorts of fucked that he even had to ask him to, just in case.

When his stone of farspeech blinks in the middle of the night, he doesn’t really think about it, just kind of acknowledges it briefly before rolling back over and closing his eyes. But it doesn’t stop blinking, and he knows that it doesn’t actually, but the blinking seems to get more insistent.

He grabs the stone, slips out of bed so he doesn’t wake Kravitz, and slides into the hallway.

“This better be pretty good to wake me up at,” he checks the clock, “two in the fuckin’ morning.”

There’s a long pause and he considers hanging up, before, “…I’m sorry sir. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

Angus then. He sighs, holding the stone away from him so it doesn’t catch it. “Hello Agnes. What in the world are you doing awake at two in the morning?”

“I-I shouldn’t have called,” and that raises alarm bells. Angus knows Taako’s always available to call, day or night, work or no work. “I really didn’t mean to wake you, Taako, it’s not that important.”

“Let me decide that, ‘kay pumpkin? Now what are you calling old Taako about so late.”

He pauses again, and Taako can hear the tiny hitch in his breath before he speaks again. “I-It’s not a one off thought anymore, s-s-sir.”

It takes him a second to understand but when he does his blood runs cold. “You wanna go ahead and tell me where you are and what you’re doing, pumpkin?”

“Oh. Oh no sir, I’m not doing anything,” he’s very quick to amend. “I’m sitting out on Magnus’s porch right now, but it’s not- you don’t have to worry, I just thought—”

“You sit tight right there, alright?” He walks back into the room, smacking the bed with one hand to wake Kravitz up. “I’m gonna be there in a sec, okay?”

Kravitz sits up, halfway alert, and furrows his eyebrows at the stone in his hand. Taako whispers “we need to get outside Maggie’s house like five minutes ago” while covering up his stone and Kravitz gets a little more alert, drawing up his scythe to make the rift.

“You don’t have to come, Taako,” Kravitz hears Angus’s voice and gives him an even more concerned look. “I’m okay. Really. You… you just said to tell you and I… oh gods Taako it’s so late I’m sorry!”

Kravitz is making the rift and Taako practically falls through it in his haste because he needs to be there _yesterday_ , and he hears Kravitz follow him and then he’s on soft grass, moonlight shining down. Angus is sitting curled up in the rocking chair on the porch, blanket wrapped around his body, clutching his stone of farspeech way too tight.

“Hey Ango,” he says as he walks over, and Angus looks at him with dangerously wet eyes and a wobbly lip and shit he hopes he doesn’t bone this one up. “You all good?”

“I’m okay sir,” and his voice is even shakier in person. Kravitz hangs back, and Taako turns back to him.

“You wanna go let Maggie know why we’re all hanging out on his porch in the middle of the night?”

Angus’s hand reaches out to grab his arm, and Taako turns back around. “Please don’t tell him, Taako. It’s not- it isn’t a problem you just said to tell you and—”

“Hey, hey relax. Krav’s not gonna tell him anything bad about you, you hear me? Maybe he can skirt around it a little and we don’t have to go into excruciating detail. But you and I gotta talk, and I don’t want Magnus thinking we’re some robbers or something who can’t keep quiet outside his house.”

Angus nods reluctantly and Kravitz gives his shoulder a firm but comforting squeeze as he walks past him and into the house.

“Now, you wanna tell me how you’re really feeling?”

“Not particularly,” he says quietly and Taako laughs softly.

“Yeah, I figured. You’re gonna though, yeah?”

“Mhm,” Angus says, and Taako sits down on the porch next to him, making the rocking chair rock gently.

“Don’t gotta go fast, just have to talk, m’kay?”

He nods and Taako settles in.

“It hasn’t been just a one off thought for a while now.” He presses his lips thin but doesn’t say anything in response. “Tonight just felt worse.”

“Any reason why?”

“It’s _heavy_ , Taako.” And yeah, he knows that feeling. Angus draws his feet up. “Everything’s so heavy and I just want it to be a little bit lighter. And I thought if I came out here and got some air it would help b-but I thought about how I could just walk off and no one would ever find me and that felt so light to think about that it scared me. I got scared and I called you and I’m sorry. It’s too late, I know I shouldn’t have.”

“Hey, kid, come on. Elves don’t have to sleep, you know that. Nothing’s ever too late for me, especially concerning you.”

He nods but doesn’t look convinced. There’s some shuffling from inside but it goes quiet again after a second.

“Sometimes the nightmares get so bad that it feels like I’m dying in them for real and then I wake up and it hasn’t happened and I feel like I’m just putting off the inevitable.” Angus looks at his hands, rubbing his fingers together. “And I like being alive, but sometimes I like it a little less? I think? And sometimes it feels like I’m not real, and I don’t know why, but I get all disconnected and floaty feeling and I can’t hear myself talk even though I know exactly what I’m saying. And I don’t know what other people say, but my body does because it answers, and then we have a whole conversation and I don’t even know what it was about. And sometimes things just feel wrong and heavy, like tonight, and being alive is so much work, and dying would be really easy and then I wouldn’t have to worry anymore.”

Taako knows Magnus and Kravitz are listening. He may not be able to see them, but Magnus worries about Angus too much not to be listening in.

“How long you been holding that in?”

“Not…” he stops again, frustrated. He’s not making eye contact. “Since, um, since we talked about it last.”

“Ango—”

“And I know you said to say something but I didn’t want to annoy you when it’s not serious!”

“Hey, you’re not annoying me with this, alright? And you don’t get to just say ‘it’s not serious’ because it is. It’s very serious and I’m taking you very seriously right now, Angus, because you’re thirteen and should not be dealing with this.”

“Don’t patronize me, sir.”

Taako snorts. “Believe me, I’m not.”

Angus still won’t make eye contact with him and that makes him a little nervous because the kid is big on making eye contact, says that it helps him read people better. And if he doesn’t want to make eye contact with him it means he’s afraid of finding something he doesn’t want to see in his eyes.

“I’m… I’m not gonna _do_ anything bad.”

“Yeah, well, that doesn’t change the fact that you shouldn’t be feeling like this.”

“But what about you, sir?”

And fuck, he knows they’re listening in on this inside the house, and he knows Angus is going to try and spin this back around on him so he doesn’t have to talk about himself anymore, and Taako really does not want to have this backwards conversation.

“Look,” he says. “I’m not saying I’m the best role model for how to handle shitty brain problems, because we all know that I’m not. But I can offer some insight, because I’m still kicking, aren’t I? And don’t try to spin this back around to me. I’m not the one who called you in the middle of the night because they were thinking about offing themselves, now am I?”

Angus winces, which, okay, maybe not the best choice of words.

“I wasn’t going to do anything,” he says quietly, and Taako takes this time to cast a very discreet Zone of Truth. “I w-… that’s very rude, Taako.”

“Can’t blame a guy for making sure his resident boy teacher detective isn’t spouting him lies about being okay when he’s not.”

He huffs and wraps the blanket tighter around himself, very noticeably not saying anything. Taako frowns.

“Hey,” he says, quiet enough that the two inside won’t be able to hear him. “It’s, well, it’s not _okay_ , but if you were thinking about it like, for real, that’s okay to say. You can talk about it, Mango. You don’t gotta keep it all bottled up in there.” He knocks against his head gently, and he can see how hard Angus is trying to keep his mouth closed, to keep from spilling anything. The tears come back, but they actually fall this time and his shoulders are shaking and he clutches tightly at the blanket.

“I was,” finally bursts out, and he’s crying but it seems very empty. “I was I thought about- I thought- I said I was thinking about how easy it would be to go off into the woods and I- Taako, sir, I almost did. I wanted to. I wanted to. And I know Miss Lup or Barry or Kravitz would have come and found me and it wouldn’t have worked b-but I’m so _tired_.”

Taako scoops him up out of the rocking chair then, and he lets out a little watery yelp at the movement but ultimately curls up in his arms. Angus always thinks he’s too old for this, that he’s thirteen now, a teenager, he can’t curl up and cry in his sort-of-dad’s-mostly-mentor’s arms. Taako doesn’t ever say anything to that, just pets a hand through his unruly hair until he accepts the comfort. Tonight though, there’s no denial. He just sits there and cries against his shoulder. It’s very quiet, much quieter than he normally is when he gets all weepy. Angus just kind of sits there and lets the tears flow in silence tonight.

“Listen, bubeleh.” This touchy feely stuff really isn’t what he’s best at, but he’s learning. “You got a whole life ahead of you, and absolutely none of us want to find you dead in the woods somewhere. That being said, I know all that sounds real guilt trippy and that you’re hurting us more than yourself and blah blah blah guilting people into staying alive is no fun. So, you’re the world’s greatest detective, Ango. You’re a certified teacher at Lucas’s dumb arcane science school now. You got a whole big family. And you’re thirteen, my dude. You got so much left in you. I know you like being alive, at least some of the time, which is a good place to start because if you just hated living all around this would be way harder. But little dude, you can’t just go on casually getting real shitty thoughts your whole life. I don’t think anyone, including you, feels all that comfortable with you having the occasional thought of kicking your own bucket.”

He can feel Angus shake his head and hums. “Thought so. Which is good. You shouldn’t feel comfortable with that, because if you do there’s something super wrong.”

The door creaks open, and both of them turn to face the door. Magnus and Kravitz join them outside. They each hand them a mug of what looks like hot chocolate, and Angus takes his with a small “thank you.”

Everyone settles back in, Angus still on Taako’s lap, Magnus and Kravitz sitting down on the porch with them. Angus frowns into his mug.

“I’m sorry for keeping you all,” and shit, back to apologizing.

“You’re not, Ango,” Magnus says. “I’d take knowing you’re okay over sleeping any day.”

“Angus,” Kravitz says gently. “I know you’ve already said that Lup and Barry and I would never let things get so far, but I want to make sure you know that’s the truth. We wouldn’t- _I_ wouldn’t. You mean a lot to me, a lot to them, and if we heard any whisper about you coming over to the Astral plane, I promise you I’d do everything I could to stop that. I don’t want to see you dead, Angus. And that may sound selfish and guilt trippy like Taako was saying, but it’s the truth. None of us wants you dead, and none of us want you to feel like this.”

He nods, but he still won’t look at any of them. Taako sighs and takes a drink of his cocoa. Magnus made this. It’s just a little bit burnt, and Kravitz’s hot chocolate is always a little sweeter than he likes. This has that tang of bitter that he enjoys. He wonders if Angus will ever pin down the finer points of all of their cooking abilities and makes a silent vow to himself to make sure he lasts long enough to.

“I… I know you said not to apologize but I’m still sorry. I know you’re all busy and that sleep is important and that I should be sleeping too but I just—,” he cuts himself off with a sip of the hot chocolate. “I couldn’t sleep. And my thoughts got nasty and I know that’s not good and I’m sorry.”

“Mango,” Magnus says. “I don’t care how busy or how pressing my dumb stupid schedule is. You are way more important. You mean so much to me, buddy. And I don’t want you to feel like this.”

“But—”

“There’s no ‘buts’ there. Unless it’s your butt. Because we wanna keep that right here and out of the Astral plane, little man,” Taako interjects. “Krav tell him how horrible the Astral Plane is.”

“I mean it’s not horrible,” and Taako shoots him a _look_ , because this isn’t _helping_. “I’m not going to lie to him and tell him that it’s just endless suffering for every soul in there, Taako. Because it isn’t. But it’s a place for souls that are done with the mortal world, and you, Angus, are nowhere near done with the mortal world. There’s so much left for you to _do_ , so much left for you to see. The world is yours to shape, Angus McDonald, and I have no doubts that you will shape it into something good.”

Angus nods and drinks again. He seems a little more at ease.

“You feeling any better?” Magnus asks, leaning forward on his hands.

“Yes, sir. I’m feeling much better.”

Taako rests his chin on top of Angus’s head, arms wrapped around his middle. Angus settles back against him. “Hey now,” he chides. “Don’t get to comfy there, bubeleh, we’re going back inside eventually.”

“Noted,” he says in return, and Taako’s almost glad he can’t see the soft smile that graces his face. Angus continues to drink his cocoa, and Kravitz still looks intensely worried. He’s not the best at hiding his emotions. Magnus is doing a little better, shoulders less tense, brow line less drawn. Taako’s still got worry wiggling around in the back of his head, but it’s very much lessened, and he hopes the kid can feel that. He knows Angus is over his bad brain spell for the moment, and that it probably won’t be back for a good while. Definitely not tonight. He’s not worried about the now so much as the later. But Kravitz and Magnus know now, which means Angus doesn’t get to shove off getting some actual real life help for his bad brain shit, which probably means Taako doesn’t get to shove off some actual real life help for his shit either. He’ll cross and burn that bridge when he comes to it, but for now he’s content to have the kid in his lap, all wrapped up in his arms where he can feel he won’t up and disappear on him.

“Hey,” he nudges him out of his half dozing. “You wanna go back inside where it’s actually warm and where I’m comfortable letting you sleep?”

“Mhm,” he mumbles, holding onto his empty cup loosely. Kravitz takes it from him, as well as Taako’s half drunk one. They both know he won’t finish it. He stands, swinging Angus over his shoulder. He can feel him giggle into his back. Angus may have gotten taller, but he’s still a twig, and a very light twig at that.

Magnus grabs up a bunch of stray blankets and piles them up on the couch, which Taako drops Angus onto. He looks exhausted but content, and that’s all he’s really shooting for right now. Taako plops down next to him, dragging Kravitz on his other side when he gets close enough.

“Are you sure—”

“You can stay, Kravitz,” Angus says sleepily, pulling Magnus down too, settling in next to him. Kravitz, well over a year with this family unit, still feels uncomfortable in close situations like this. He knows how close the others are, how close they all are with Angus, and gets wrong footed and unsure, but they always make sure to include him. Kravitz is cold from the outside, but not unbearably so.

Angus is already half asleep, but he’s still clinging to consciousness. “Thank you for coming, Taako.”

“Obvi, Dango.” Taako’s quiet too, not wanting to disturb the comfortable peace they’ve fallen into. One of Magnus’s dogs nudges at his foot and he pets it with it. “You don’t even gotta worry about me not being available.”

Magnus shoves at his face from over Angus. “Sleep now, nerds.”

“Not a nerd, Maggie,” he says, but he acquiesces. Kravitz wraps an arm around his waist and Angus is snuggled up to his chest, Magnus’s arm overtop all of them. Angus falls asleep, and he knows he feels better, so much better than the hour or so ago when he called. Taako doesn’t quite smile, but he does let that warm feeling follow him into rest.

**Author's Note:**

> also im sorry? I got this idea when writing that scene in the other fic and it wouldnt get out of my head. I love angus and I love taako and I love their relationship and it means a whole darn lot to me.


End file.
